Why do people seem so much more stupid and douchebaggy on and around holidays

 

Lots of good food in fridge. Gonna eat well this week.

 

I wonder if all this coffee is going to keep me up all night

 

is it possible that i’m being single white femaled

 

I'm in a crowd of one, it's so fucking noisy

 

My son, who is 24, is a hell of a card magician!

 

I was divorced because I told my wife sex was a stress reducer, that was 30 years ago before it became therapeutic

 

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If a person is inconsistent but continually inconsistent does that make them consistent in their inconsistency?

 

I’m so glad they didn’t have the internet while I was going to school. I would have spent so much more time jerking off that I’m sure it would have brought my grades down.

 

Tinder is full of fake accounts and scammers! Who knew?

 

How come I can never fall asleep early at night, but during the daytime I want to just roll over and go back to sleep?

 

Why does orange juice taste like crap after brushing your teeth?

 

Its beer time

 

Laying in bed wondering if I should decorate my bedroom. What’s a good bedroom colour?

 

I've always wondered why, if they are so magical, the trolls don't become part of the bridge. As an ambush predator or a gate guard, it would be far superior. Hard to defend when the bridge shape-shifts under you to attack. And hard to get across without paying if a chunk of the bridge got up and is grinning at you.

 

Skittles don't taste like a rainbow.
Rainbows taste like Leprechaun farts...everybody knows that.

Just stop with the false advertising already.

 

Just got a random thought of me all snugly under the covers in a cold bedroom.....that was just replaced with another random thought of coffee!