Being that Father's day is coming up and there are a TON of dudes on here, we should have an endless supply of dad jokes.

The most inappropriate wins. Go!

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

What's brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?




A coconut on vacation.

 

To me, dad jokes are the jokes dad's tell in front of their kid's friends that are only funny to dad, and horrifying to the kid. And as a dad, this is a God given right!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?




A stick

 

Pull my finger. The kids loved that one, the wife - not so much.

 

A Bear walks into a Bar in Boise. He sits at the bar and calls out, "Bartender! Give me a Beer!"
The Bartender responds flatly as he points at a sign behind him. "Sorry sir. We don't serve Beer to Bears in Bars in Boise."
The Bear growls and repeats. "I said ... Give Me a Beer!" and pounds a hug paw on the bar top.
The Bartender, unperturbed, continues clean glasses and stated "Sorry sir. We don't serve Beer to Bears in Bars in Boise."
The Bear Roared in outrage. Then he pointed to a woman sitting at the far end of the bar and said. "If you don't give me a Beer, I'm gonna devour that woman!"
The Bartender shrugs, sighs, and states flatly. "Sir. We DO NOT serve Beer to Belligerent Bears in Bars in Boise."
At this, the Bear pounced on the woman and began Mauling her and devouring her flesh as she screamed.
After he finished, the Bear returned to his seat, and licked his lips. "Her death is on your hands buddy, now give me a Beer!"
The Bartender put down his towel and looked the Bear in the eyes, and stated with some force. "SIR. We don't serve Beer to Bears on DRUGS in Bars in Boise.
The Bear is taken aback and questions the Bartender, "What they hell do you mean DRUGS??? I don't do Drugs!"
The Bartender states. "That!" as he points to the remains of the mauled woman. Was a "Bar-Bitch-You-Ate."

 

THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 4-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) A ceiling fan will work as a batting machine, but it takes a lot of practice.
5) The glass in windows won’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
6) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
7) Barbie Doll high heels will puncture skin if you step on them.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. A lot of smoke.
9) Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
10) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
11) Super glue is forever.
12) NOW means eventually unless a 3 year old says it.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14) You cannot clean Jell-O out of a pool filter.
15) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
16) A ceiling fan will not spin a 5 year old wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
17) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
18) Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
19) The fire department in Arvada, Colorado has a 5-minute response time.
20) The spin cycle on the washing machine will make cats dizzy.
21) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
22) To a 5 year old “NO” means let’s negotiate.
23) “Wait until your father gets home” is the same as a mulligan in golf.
24) A spoon dropped into a running garbage disposal can stick to the ceiling.
25) 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

So, one fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place. He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, to cook for dinner.
On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in. But when the woman at the box office sees the chicken she tells him,
"Sir, animals are not allowed in the theater. You'll have to come back some other time." Well, now, this guy really wants to see the movie so he goes around the corner,
stuffs the chicken down his pants then returns to the theater and buys his ticket.

After he has taken a seat and the movie starts, the chicken starts to get restless, so the man unzips his pants to let the chicken get some air.
The woman sitting next to him leans over to her husband and whispers,
"Honey, the man next to me has his pants open!"
Her husband tells her, "Just ignore him!"
"But Honey! His penis is sticking out!"
Again her husband says, "Ignore it! You've seen one before!"
"But Honey!," she finally says, "This one's eating my popcorn!"

 

My girls always loved this one...

Why does a seagull fly by the sea? Cause if it flew by the bay, it'd be a bagel!

 

ha dad;
what do you do if your wife starts smoking during sex ?
slow down spray her with water and get some lube next time.

 

I think of dad jokes as the same as 'Jokes you can tell your grandmother' - and I love them! Innocent little jokes that you can tell to anybody.

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

"Dam!"

 

My dad and I were walking through a field somewhere in southwest Texas and we came across a pile of something my dad says that's cow shit I said really so he bends down and touches it and says this is nasty he grabs a chunk and smells it then he tasted almost threw up and then he stands up and says I'm sure glad I didn't step in it

 

Two fish are in a tank. One looks to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

I just invented a thought controlled air freshener.
Sounds crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it...

 

I am NOT a necrphilliac, said Tom, in dead earnest.

 

My go-to joke is:

“Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?”

A: “It had mittens.”

 

Like a cat with it's tail caught in the fan. It won't be long now.

 

No Dad jokes here.... Lots of "Yo Momma" jokes tho... Those just crack me up

 

passing by cemetery Dad says, Do you know people that live around here are not allowed to be buried in there.
Daughter says, Why not ?
Dad says, They're still alive.