My wife came to me this morning, angry, and asked "Have you been having Sex behind my back?"
I said. "Of course! who else do you think it was all this time?"

 

I asked the librarian if there were any books on Paranoia. She whispered "They're behind you."

 

I burnt a Hawaiian pizza last night. I guess I should have used aloha setting.

 

Why did they open a gym in Hell? So you can exercise your demons...

 

Little is known about salivary glands. Perhaps because they are secretive?

 

Ignoranus- someone both stupid and an asshole.

 

I saw this sign in a restaurant window: 'CHICKEN DINNERS $1'
I went in, paid my $1, and they gave me a bowl of corn...

 

Where do you learn to make a banana split?

Sundae School

 

I can cut down a tree just by staring at it. It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.

 

A Mexican magician says, "I'm going to disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos,..." and poof he disappears without a tres!

 

I just got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE! Whew, that's a relief.

 

I was feeling extremely depressed so I rang the suicide hot line and got put through to a call center in Afghanistan
I told them I was after killing myself and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a bus

 

That awkward feeling when Zombies, searching from Brains to eat, walks past you without even looking your way.



THINGS THAT TELL THE TRUTH:
1. Small Children
2. Drunk People
3. Yoga Pants.

 

Some people are such Treasures, you can't help but want to Bury them.

Those who confuse Burro with Burrow, don't know their Ass from a Hole in the Ground.